It doesn’t take professional training to know that change is
difficult, especially for young children. An essential ingredient in childhood
development is routine. Large changes can be disruptive in a child’s mental and
emotional growth. And because they haven’t yet developed vocabulary for
confusing feelings or their sense of how they fit into the larger world,
children can react in ways that disrupt everyone around them.
One of the biggest changes a child can face is divorce.
Obviously, this event is more common in children’s lives than it was even
twenty years ago, so children are able to recognize that it happens to a large
percentage of others they know. In a real way to childhood development, that’s
actually helpful. They have examples all around them for what will happen. And
knowing what happens next makes everything feel safer.
However, because divorce is part of adult decisions and
feelings that children can’t fully relate to, it’s likely to be confusing. And
confusing equals scary. And, like most people, children may react to fear with
anger, sadness, or guilt—sometimes all at once. Additionally, divorce often
involves a lot of other big changes such as moving and financial instability.
I’ve seen a lot of divorces in the years I’ve been in school
counseling. And I’ve seen a lot of healthy and unhealthy responses to the
disruption in children’s lives. Here are five things educators of elementary
and middle-school-aged children can do to help children navigate their “new
normal.”
1. Help children understand they are not at fault.
One of the biggest feelings children experience during a divorce is fear and
guilt that they are somehow responsible. It seems obvious to adults that
children have nothing to do with these situations, but children haven’t
developed the sense that they aren’t the cause of every effect, nor have they
yet fully developed their ability to understand that others may have feelings
that are different from theirs. Helping children understand that even if
they’ve made mistakes, those mistakes have nothing to do with how their parents
feel about each other is essential in helping them understand what’s happening.
2. Help them visualize what their family looks like
before and after a divorce, steering them to conclude that the family doesn’t
disappear, and neither will they.
3. Have them list some of their favorite memories so
they know that these do not vanish.
4. Help them picture their lives with parents in
separate homes. What will it be like to have two homes, two bedrooms? What is
important for them to have in both homes?
5. Work with them to articulate their feelings to
their parents and express their needs and fears.
Of course, there are so many ways to help children going
through a divorce. I’ve outlined a few here, but I have created some practical
activities you can share with students in grades K-5 in the activity book Mom
or Dad’s House? It’s important to help children visualize in a very real
way what they feel and need, and this workbook uses art and writing activities
that can help children understand what they are feeling, how they are reacting,
and what their role is.
Here are some ways you might use this activity book with a
student:
· Send a book home with parents when they request
help (this is one of the most effective ways to use them with students).
· After a counseling session, hand one to students
and have them work in it independently.
· Use it as part of your individual counseling
sessions (do a couple pages each session).
· Print them and select certain pages to work with
students or small groups.
· Make selected activities be a part of a whole
class lesson (i.e. teach lesson about self-confidence then give each student
their own book).
· After sessions with students, have a folder where they
complete five pages and then during next week’s session discuss those five.
Give them another five until they complete the entire book.
To download your copy of Mom or Dad’s House, visit my
TpT Store HERE. How do help children of divorce during your counseling sessions?